You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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