I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My cat gives me a boner
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
