I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
