He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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