you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
