At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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