I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
