Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
