One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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