I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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