I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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