theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The best revenge is premature balding
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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