I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
