So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
