your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
