I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
