Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
