half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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