I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
