11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
