Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
