I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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