You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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