that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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