So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
