a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
