im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
