It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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