I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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