last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
