I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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