I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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