Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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