Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
