Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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