how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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