did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
