wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
