I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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