I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
