mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
