nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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