i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
