maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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