I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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