So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
