i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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