When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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