Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
