He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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