I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
