the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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