I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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