Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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