Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
